Sundays have taken on a whole new meaning when I'm not in bed with an excruciating hangover.
My date keeps hitting on your friend. Had no expectations, but not a real confidence booster.
you almost dropped the shot glass then you thought you were such a hard ass for catching it that you slammed it on the table and broke it
i havent blinked in 235 seconds. now 247. now 258. 263. 267. 271. i also have been gifted with theability to both type and count and not blink. 293 so magical
Wanna skype?
Can your lips gently and pleasantly suck on my balls via skype? If not, then no.
You both ran and jumped into the tub yelling Jamaican bobsled team
so I guess I made a note in my phone last night to remind myself not to do shrooms on the cruise ship
I just gate-crahed a party and met a state senator, so I had an interesting afternoon jog.
it is basically gonna be an ugly Christmas sweater rave
She had a tattoo of Luke Bryan on her thigh and she made me waffles. Can I have two fiancees?
Can I just say how funny it is that your "respect" tattoo is right above the bruise from me slapping your ass
Her new crush is a 6'2" guacamole baron that may also be a Jedi.
I just puked in a chili’s bathroom... happy birthday to me
Ya, It's probably because whenever I close my eyes I see a kitten playing a banjo.
Must lick fork, like it's a DICK
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