you traded sex for a burrito?
you should have heard her the other night. no sentence related to one preceding it. it was like she was in etch a sketch and when she moved she forgot everythin
My dermatologist just asked me, "what happened here?" referring to the bruising on my nipples. I told her I walked into a door. Thanks for that awkward moment.
As she was leaving she said "You have an awesome penis, I hope to use it again soon" I need that on a business card to hand out at the bar
Currently trying to figure out if the guy has a cane next to me or brought a weird dildo to the bar
I have made the descision to sacrifice the first of my family's dogs that wakes me before noon tomorrow. I may quickly become the family outcast
i fell out of the car and didnt spill my drink. come overrrr
truly a win in your book
Dude he took a shit in the lake and it just floated around and lingered near our boat for 2 hours. I fucking hate that kid
They are gonna stay together and get married and have 2 children before he wakes up and realizes that there is more to life than anal
For the first time in my life, I still have money by the next payday. Who is this responsible person and what have they done with the real me?
HELL YEAH TIME TO KICK THE CHILDREN
Ive decided to see your threat against my life as you flirting
Jungle juice breakfast? No? Ok.
Also. Picked being late to work over the maid finding my vibrator. Life choices....
I honestly think sometimes all you need is a $2 alcoholic punch poured from a jug into a big glass to feel better. I guess abblebees is my new problematic fav
Randomize
