I swear to god Optimus Prime and Megatron are fighting in my head right now.
this is amzing! feels like my body is having sex with its surroundings!
Last night my friend tried to make out with me in an olive garden. Ahahah
Nothing says 'I love you' like never ending salad and breadsticks
Why does Thanksgiving make hot girls feel disgusting and fat girls feel horny? Its killing my prospects.
She texted me and said she was fingering herself. Don't respond to this because she's the perfect girl. I'd love to smell her cell phone after that.
I assume you meant to text someone else on your contact list instead of your own mother...
the nurse was shocked when I handed her a cup of green piss. what did she expect giving me a drug test on st. patty's day?
The slutty girl scout law, revised for halloween 10: on my honor i will try, to serve my vagina and my shot glass. To hold back friends hair at all voming moments and to live by the sluttly girl scout law.
OMG bikini contest at the bar. You can see this one chicks scar from her c-section and I'm pretty sure she is the best of the bunch.
I found his Linkedin the day after he created it. Too stalkerish or just right?
I'm giving you an age limit on the people you're allowed to hit on at steak n shake at 3 am. I can't see straight and I want a cheeseburger. You want dick. I'm sure we can't order at least one of those. But maybe.
A big thanks to that bride-to-be, Her fiance and his loaded friends will forever hold a place in my heart for the generous tequila body shots on the couch at Henry's.
She deliberately backed into the homewrecker's whoremobile and yelled ""FOR SPARTA!"
PS if you want to hear something hilarious as my little sister was showing me her engagement ring I open a Snapchat from R and it's literally a dick pic. Very different points in our life
Taking a shit in a Texas 7/11... not accepting phone calls now lol
She and I had some intense sexual tension earlier when she dumped a package of apple straws all over my body.
Randomize
