I wish I could teleport
He went down on me and then slapped my ass saying "thanks for the confidence boost"... is this all I'm good for?
i will trade you pizza and a blowjob for a fifth of vodka.
do i get to eat the pizza while you give me the blowjob?
I really need to find a new way to reward you other than head scratches, nutella and blowjobs.
no im not bringing booze its easy, you just challenge a drunk guy to beer pong, he'll hand you two beers, you lose on purpose, and everyone makes fun of you. but we laugh in the end for bringing nothing to a byob
Dude, I had to stop mid fuck. Her cat was swatting at my balls as I did her from behind. I couldve lost something.
You know you come from good stock when you can have a family discussion about excuses to scam pain pills from the doctors
Yeah I was thinking something along the lines of "I almost died, lets celebrate with sex. Come over"
My mom just added me on Facebook... She has one like and it's Will Smith
you know you're a stoner girl when you get a callus from your grinder
My dog misses eating marshmallows out of your butt when you're passed out. That bordered on sex abuse, now that I think about it. My bad.
Apparently when cookies are around I think of myself as a puppy and reward myself for everything #WhoIsAGoodBoy
I just left a 3 minute voicemail to the guy I want to fuck baby talking my cats and I don't know if I can delete it 😐
"hahahaha" is not a sufficient reply when I tell you my mother laughed at a joke about me giving blowjobs.
All I remember is me taking my automatic nerf gun getting on top of him and saying..."look whos in control now!"
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