Just had to open a tuna can with a spoon. Gave me a sense of hunting for my own food.
I discovered last night there is no graceful way to remove your face from your gf's crotch when your parents walk in the room
it was 6 in the morning, and you cried until i put mulan in. then you proceeded to say every word, not to mention sing along... stop drinking.
spending the week with her family was quite possibly the longest ive ever gone without having a boner
He kept telling me how extraordinarily clean my ears were.
New high score, I made the stripper choke me while I was getting a lap dance last night
It was more like a tour de entire bottle of wine in 14 minutes
He called me at two in the morning to tell me he was throwing the tiny Thor hammer at moving vehicles. Apparently he missed the guy on the motorcycle.
k. The important thing is we are going out. You are stones. I am mildly hallucenating.
Because I was drunk or stoned for 4 days. I either made terrible decisions or none at all.
I feel like too many of my sentences start of with "Hey, fuckface!"
My husband just came over to kiss me and said, "careful, I got a block of cream cheese in my pocket"
Leaving the puke on the ceiling as a reminder.
I came so hard my entire leg seized. Her blowjob gave me a Charlie horse.
No no no, I want to share him with you. Think of it as me sharing a piece of delicious pie with you. He was THAT GOOD.
Randomize
