I figured he was gay when I walked in on him working out to Flirty Girl Fitness.
Why does my right nut always hang lower than my left nut?
After giving the pizza guy directions you told him to look for the big stupid looking kid outside in purple
Sometimes I stop and laugh and think "and these are my actual life choices".
So apparently we dropped beers outside the apartment last night, and someone RETURNED them! Ha like what? I just walked out the front door to Christmas in a box on my doorstep.
You called me at 2am singing 'happy birthday' while screaming 'I fucking love you' verses, all while eating a burrito and taking a piss off your apartment balcony
Yeah I know, the people below me already told me
I think they took out their livers years ago and replaced them with like cheese graters or something. Only explanation.
Note to self: Don't go home with a recent divorcee. Semen and tears.
Can we pretty pretty please go to Mardi Gras tomorrow? I promise I'll be a good girl and not puke in a pledges car
Got really high to see my fist college experience unfold. Too high to find my classroom but I found the McDonald's down the street
There is a man in my bed with "new zealand" tattooed on his back. Wtf happened last night?
I think I just read the whole internet. Front to back.
LISTEN TO ME! DONDE ESTA LA FUCKING VICODIN!
Is that your Nuva ring on the floor? Shit must have gotten crazy
I stared at his dick and then told him to get on his knees
Randomize