If I had a nickel for every time my parents threatened to stop paying tuition I would be a very rich man. Rich enough to pay my own tuition.
Pretty sure he sprained my tongue. This is why you don't hook up with gingers.
Nothing like coaching 5 year olds with a bunch of visible bruises from last night's drunk bondage sex.
you told the police officer you wanted to be just like her one day but not a lesbian
That's probably when I climbed a tree and told everyone I was an ornament
Is it okay to thank someone for the orgasms they gave you, even though they weren't with you?
Im including "no monologues past 1am" in the list of apartment rules. Theatre majors dude.
Hey, you know that marble art statue thing in your bedroom? Hypothetically what would happen if a penis got stuck in it?
whenever i get involved w someone i'm gonna give you their number to testify to the fact that they should not fall in love with me
You literally asked him, “Do you come here often? Do you want to visit my vagina?” With no hesitation
You know you have an interesting job when you go to work and have to Google search "How to get poop out of a dryer".
she told him my safe word. I'm gonna casually work it into conversation and at him suggestively to see if he realizes i want to have rough sex with him
I only live four blocks from the bar but when you're hammered this walk feels like the journey through Mordor.
He bought me pizza and bourbon and played scrabble with me. So naturally I slept with him.
Happy 20th birthday! I hope you like anxiety and having your debit card declined at McDonald's!
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