I just ate a cockroach and I want to be a fire truck.
they just dont make restraining orders like they used to.
My body has become completely dependent on Text Twist. I can't poop without it.
kerrys trying to convince everyone in the bar shes a lesbian. cheers to not being the drunkest girl in the room. i probably wont piss myself tonight.
My chemistry professor just asked me if I ever found a ride home from the bar last Saturday
How did you get the entire couch up on it's side and into the bathroom?
Law school has no idea what kind of prospect they have coming in. I just convinced a cop not to take me to jail by asking him if he really felt like cleaning puke out of his car tonight.
There are reggae songs being written about me...where have I gone wrong in life?
Yeah man i woke up and only had a Jimmy John's wrapper covering myself..
I got a message from the hook up gods today that it's time to move on. It came in the form of me being shoved in a closet naked and stuck in there for 30 min well he watched boy meets world with his brother.
I can smell the sangria seeping out of my pores
So we just smoked a bowl, out of an antler, with this old dude, while standing at the bar. Dude just walked up and said we were in his spot, just began packing it and handing it around...
Lol yeah. Because I just woke him up to blow him for being hot.
last night I used snow as a chaser
Foreign objects found in purse this morning include: chocolate covered pretzels, pepper spray, and farm animal shaped key chains (you know the ones you squeeze and fake poop comes out, yea those)
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