Apparently at one point I was wearing my sweatshirt backwards like it was normal and then I threw up into the hood. Never drinking again.
Just found out that I was singing john legend songs as I threw up last night. Quality.
"Party in the USA" was played at church youth group last night. It was like everything I enjoy hating was aligning against me.
He brought Stephanie home from the black light party. Apparently he has night vision beer goggles
You rubbed your penis on my leg and said "people have paid for this kind of action"
Oh god our sink is a cavalcade of horrors. Brb sacrificing a goat and putting everything in the dishwasher forever
No he can't help me find his house he is strapped to a stretcher facing the opposite direction
It's a gay bachelor party, it's not like dignity is to be expected
I felt so bad but my urge to be with you & drunkenly eat your face was apparently much stronger.
Just when I thought he had turned a new leaf, I see a "Let me get you pregnant" shirt in his closet
Shotgunning beers to finish a midterm project at 3am is a good idea right?
Also I'm eating leftovers with a pair of bullet removal forceps (unused) because I don't have a fork.
Official reason: I couldn't get time off. The real reason: last Xmas nearly ended in alcohol poisoning to prevent me from screaming like a velociraptor
We found you walking up the on ramp to the highway carrying a 40 mph speed limit sign with no shoes on. Rough night?
Love waking up to a new contact named “Pizza” btw
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