there should be a rule- if you jizz on it, you wash it
you were carrying around a glass of vodka telling everyone it was Russian water
I just found a bagel and a condom in my coat pocket. I love blackouts
This is working out surprisingly well considering it started out with us using a christmas tree as a battering ram
Gotcha. Well, I'm puking and trying to keep down water from a mug that says "love the moment" around the rim. Not loving this particular moment.
Things I just found under my covers: protein bar, string cheese, vibrator.
The penis is a tricky weapon to use. When using it as leverage you have to make it seem emotional. I'd rather use it as a club sometimes.
I woke up this morning to my house being turned into a bad European dance club at 8:30am. Do you know what "UNS UNS UNS" sounds like at 8:30am? Murder. It sounds like murder.
You were so drunk, you called my cruise control, the "auto pilot" and asked my car politely to take us to Taco Bell.
It's sitting in bleach right now. You will be the creepiest coolest dude in my book if you made a bracelet from my tooth.
I have a LOT of reasons to worry about radical feminists taking my lady balls, frankly. A lot.
Where are you on a scale from one to wasted?
Like alphabetically I'd say a v
The look of disappointment from my cat while I take nudes...
Well just saw that professor I hooked up with on campus and I look like a dumpster baby
We did hand stuff while watching teenage mutant ninja turtles so I guess you could say it's getting serious
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