he said i was chugging vodka in the parking lot, gave my # to a married man, started a food fight, and passed out at the bar. how could he NOT consider that a good first date???
I got a 69.7 in accounting. I have this whole doing the bare minimum down to a science
I just took boredom to a whole new level. I just auto-tuned and remixed today's western civ lecture
The bridesmaid just threw up on herself. This is going to be the best wedding ever
Chasing tequila with honey. Ill let you know how it turns out.
I held a cracker & gaterade down for an hour. I feel like this will be my greatest accomplishment of the day.
What's the protocol when you drive the girl's head into the wall during sex and she starts to cry?
He came over to use the microwave, said he needed to heat up some urine.
Drunk me made out with someone's girlfriend last night, was invited to their place for a semi-threesome, and then walked home at three am. Can't decide if this is better or worse than drunkenly challenging everyone to taekwondo sparring matches...
My roommate just walked in on him eating me out ..happy finals week right?
The only joy I have here is being able to shit with the door open.
His baby mama found the pictures of us, she couldn't see my face but she could see my asshole. So I'm safe.
My bookbag can hold 30+ beers. They shoulda put that on the tag bc its a big selling point
Nothing says I'm doing some sketchy shit like coming out of your bedroom with your underwear inside out
A fire alarm is going off in some building, people are running around naked and people are passed out in the MIDDLE of the sidewalk. If they ban parties again, I'm going to be pissed.
Randomize
