ya know if you hadnt broke up with me, that porno we made wouldnt have a 3.3 rating on youporn right now...
he screamed my twitter name while we were having sex.
I didn't realize he wasn't circumcised... it looked like the Unibomber...
Do you think she hates me because I thought her roommate's name actually was Butterface?
I started making my dollar bills into rings for the strippers
Pissing in la rieve gfox. Jer zsyuis diu drunk but it felt amazunbg
Dans le librearie ivetre. Hjhaha
Now you know for the next time you go in the basement to wear a helmet
What kind of a birthday party isn't a get drunk and ruin everything party
I'm a wonderful, drunk angel of hydration and sometimes absinthe.
Pretty sure i brought my phone charger to a booty call
dropping lines from Workaholics has slowly become my icebreaker when hitting on girls. who would have thought "lets get weird" would cause girls to actually get weird
I don't mean to crush your hopes and dreams but having sex IN the Stanley Cup isn't possible
I lost all interest the day she banged that guy in the Amazon parking lot. That's a special kinda whore.
My boss spotted an injured PIGEON outside the front door this morning (at 3:30am) and requested that I catch it and take it to the vet. Catch it with what! Take it where!These requests have gone too far...
It was a good thing I was on the balcony flashing those guys or I would have never seen her skipping to his car
Randomize