And then a tiny penis fell out of my purse
$22.99 left in the bank til payday = 3($7 jack & coke) + 2($0.89 T-Bell taco) + $0.21 in case of emergency.
math is fun
Our brains have an emergency blowjob override switch. You saw proof tonight.
somehow, even strange, drunk, middle-aged men on the RTA can't understand why he'd choose her over me
maybe it's because you talk to strange, drunk, middle-aged men on the RTA
Pretty sure he sprained my tongue. This is why you don't hook up with gingers.
Mitt romney looks like a fantastic lover (full disclorsure: im 76% vodka right now)
The woman in the hospital bed next to me just got diagnosed with flea bites on her vag.
Whaaaaaat? No way.
Now a discussion of pigs vs. dog as carrier.
My diabetic professor who apparently didn't eat anything all day keeps passing out. I gave him a joint. He's gonna be fine.
When a bartender remarks "wow" on how quickly you've finished a drink... Is that good or bad?
Cleaning naked can be dangerous. Vacuum cord got stuck on my belly button ring...
mid-october of freshman year. goals have shifted from "no more guys on my floor" to "all the guys on my floor."
I DID NOT GO INTO HOURS OF STRENUOUS LABOR FOR YOU TO LOOK LIKE A DOMINATRIX BARMAID ON A WEEKDAY. AT LEAST SAVE IT FOR THE WEEKEND GDI.
there's fucking coffee grinds packed all inside my pipe. what did i do
I'm not drunk or hungover and I don't have to work. My body is sooo confused!
You were up on table in a neon bra chanting "YOUR MOM" while drizzling vodka on your chest...
no wonder i woke up with my boobs stuck to my bra
Randomize
