Just saw a policeman use his lights to go through a red light only to turn them off and go to Sonic...
worst morning ever. completed my walk of shame home to find my parents, grandma, and priest had come down to surprise me on my birthday. now i'm in the car with them to go get my car from the bar.
how am i supposed to spank it to a shakira video when she looks like she is doing the robot?
So what if i ate it off the ground. Its like i found a five dollar bill just laying there, in burrito form.
You're just telling me nice things because you came in my eye.
So I have the hangover from hell, spent all night puking, and there's a septic tank truck parked outside the house literally pumping shit. You win God.
Thats not how it works. You get the Rachel, and then Rachel kicks you out. Don't linger or try to cuddle, its just pathetic and makes me look down on you and your penis
Since he's sober and out of jail, he acts like we are the worst people on Earth. Fuck him, the only acceptable time in life to do coke is the early twenties. He won't take that from us.
I borrowed a glass of wine. And the bottle. Your cat said it was ok
You just jumped of the couch and yelled "hidden tiger crouching dragon!" That's the answer to how you broke your finger.
I feel like we should build an island for girls that have committed atrocious numbers of unforgivable sins. We'll call it 'whore island' after the anchorman fashion.
I had 2 shots but she spilt one on me. Kinda mad but kinda grateful
I got really adventurous too. Like. Balls in the mouth adventurous.
I'm sorry I lead life with my vagina.
And he claims I gave him “fuck me” eyes while he was ordering me a happy meal
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