I just ate a cockroach and I want to be a fire truck.
Who did Billy Mays play for?
shes the kind of girl i dont like to talk to unless my penis is in her mouth.
I just want you to know that if I ever had to fight man eating flowers or flying turtles to save my friends they'd be fucked. No one's worth all that bullshit. PS I really need to stop playing Wii while drunk.
Just so you know.. I just graduated college with your name still written on my chest
If that doesn't scream bromance I dont know what does
New term. "Find a husband" fridays. It's like thirsty thursdays, but with a dowry.
She gained 35 lbs and has an ankle bracelet, time for new booty call.
Haha...we lost by one cup to a guy w shitty facial hair. What makes me most mad abt the loss is that I could grow a better beard on my vag.
You should have totally come, I started watering down vodka with cider. I have lost the sense of taste.
The guy next to me just said he wont play beer pong on principle. Im scared.
I take to many stalker pics of him. If he ever looks through my phone he'll never give me sex again :(
Saw a girl lying on her back next to a fire hydrant. Not sure if passed out drunk or sleeping under the stars
wait nvm its a dude
I walked into my house with my pants inside out, no shoes and a limp. My mom asked me if I had fun but I passed out before I could reply...
I shaved my asshole for you. You WILL fuck me tonight.
I drank so much that my feet don't feel like my feet
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