woke up to find a pram in the balcony. first thing we did was look over the edge!
I googled what to do, and it said to squeeze the pressure out so people are taking turns sitting on my head. I can't believe I'm allowing this
He stole her cigarettes and walked 15 miles just so he wouldn't have to wake up next to her. God I love being a lesbian.
I just threw up in the bathroom next to the zebra exhibit. The kids don't know I skipped a beat. Best nanny, ever.
Someone just took a shot from my crotch. I should not have to drive home
I asked if he wanted to come over and he said he was busy. Then I sent him a pic of me in the bath with the bottle of wine I already finished and all of a sudden he was free. Booty calls are too easy.
WRONG DAY TO COME TO CLASS STONED!! WRONG DAY TO COME TO CLASS STONED!! WE'RE WATCHING BIRTHING VIDEOS!!!!
I just remember dedicating a shot to me giving you head so it was obviously a good night
Oh shit. The hangover. It has taken 20 mins and 5 attempts to tie my shoelaces
My life is a clusterfuck of men and disorderly priorities right meow.
I'm about to get my nails done. Would the polish name "meet me at the altar" be too straight forward for a first date?
You bring me burritos. Of course I text you during sex
I have 3 bottles of vodka in my room telling me not to go to work tomorrow.
He gave me a box of cheez-its after sex, does that make me a hooker?
you tried to strip tease your way into canada but got arrested instead. don't worry, your mom doesn't know.
Randomize
