maybe you should take the dick out of your mouth before you start talking.
i did. i'm using it as a microphone.
Just found my girlfriend's stash of animated Japanese porn
And to think, I actually considered breaking up with her
So I just found out that my mom and dad arent married
What? They have three kids?
Yep. And apparently I have a half brother. Happy Birthday to me
i've decided that sluts are like cars. they may look good as hell on the outside, but you never know what kind of shit is hiding under the hood.
alcohol. turning childhood friends into awkward hookups since the dawn of civilization.
Found our threesome girl. She says I'm pretty. She doesn't know I'm pregnant. Yet. Think we can pull it off?
You told me to ditch them in the park, and when she jumped onto the car to stop us, you told me to scrape her off against a parked Jeep. That drunk.
The maid moved your bed and found almost 40 used condoms and wrappers. She just looks at me and says "Dave?"
Also can you rate on a scale of zero to jesus restraining order christ how creepy it is that he found a porn star that looks like me and has watched all the porn that she's been in
We got to the hotel at 12AM with nothing but a plastic bag of magnum condoms and lube, while wearing glow sticks. The receptionist handed us a bunch of water bottles and said "These are on us.", not even phased by three dudes about to have a threesome. I love this town.
One small step for man, one big gay fierce leap for gays!
I just saw a girl drinking wine and walking her dog in footie pajamas and a mad hatter hat. First day of the new year and I think I'm in love.
I feel like you should put up a missed connections ad for this..
My one night stand ended up seeing me the next morning... For my interview. Guess who got a job.
So many people have told me I have great tits tonight, I'm unstoppable
You will be reminded everyday when you witness my majestic mustache.
Randomize
