I always knew I'd be the first one with an STD
he tried to catch his projectile vomit...then went back to beer pong
Freshman ate returning to campus. Let Operation Slut Storm commence.
How many beers are too many "cause it's Archer Thursday" beers?
He brought me bullshit flowers and a bullshit apology. Even shrek did more than that for Fiona. And he's an ogre. Does this not say anything about him?
I am lonely and I want to touch your beard
He offered to teach me how hula hoop in exchange for acid. I took him up on it.
Some random at the bar just whispered in my ear that he wants to eat me out while on bath salts....
She cracked her neck before the blowjob and I knew shit just got real.
If we order a pizza and I contribute 9 cents, is that fair?
Dude. Where are you? There's a hot chick drunkenly dancing on the bar and aggressively taking shots to Pink songs. She looks like she needs a rebound. Get. Here. Now.
FUCK NYC TRAFFIC.
What a better way to celebrate that I'm single by becoming a stripper and making $1000 in one night
She gave me a collar. When I asked what this was for she replied "I'm taming your dick"
He went down on me and then made me breakfast in bed. He's a man you can bring home to mom.
He's a wizard, there is no other explanation for how hard I came last night. None.
Randomize
