I accidentally burped into my bong.
Pete just told the whole party I'm a squirter
and while your girlfriend wears your relationship pants, i'll be wearing my ecstasy pants
Does it count as a shower if I just sat in the tub singing I'm a Little Teapot?
if you don't go to jail tommorow I'll buy you a 40. Motivation.
I broke stuart's oven and showed up to the party with a squirrel.
Dude true life I died at the derby...I lost everyone I knew, went down a bourbon and mud slip and slide, lost my hat, fell off the roof of a porta potty, sprained my ankle and knee and then got arrested.
I literally walked into the toilet, looked at my reflection, said "alcohol" and went back to bed...
what better to celebrate not being pregnant than to eat a bowl full of rum soaked pineapples?
Sex in a hot air balloon, top that one!
STOP PUTTING BUTTER ON MY FUCKING CAT
Aww well I’m kinda unsober so probably best
Today is a good day to get high. It's easy to blame the glazed-over look in my eye on my new contacts
He made a group chat with him, his wife, & I. Is this really life!??
this is the 3rd time this week I've gone to the liquor store to stock up for the next 2 weeks
Randomize
