Babe! I just farted and I swear to jesus lord christ that it sounded like ur name! Ok, more like Meeatt but still... awesome.
life lesson# 3: saying thank you on a subway really means "im not a native new yorker, so please feel free to touch my ass"
hmm. interesting. explain how you came across this knowledge.
i sneezed. he said bless you. i said thank you. he groped. i again said thank you.
half the nation just spent an hour watching a balloon fly around. we are officially the dumbest fucking country.
Yeah. We was talkin. Its ok. My bed is too filled with pam for sex. Its like a slip and slide of butter product.
i want to cheat with him just to show his girlfriend what a terrible person he is.
Seriously. You just grinded your ass all over the heisman trophy's dick. I want you to think about that.
I legitimately woke up with a girl trying to snort cocaine off my dick.
she had a concussion and she still scored nine points higher than me on the midterm
Haha o man how much you've grown. From beer bonging wine and wearing cargo shorts to well, beer bonging beer and wearing cargo shorts
I have been way too involved with your nipples this weekend
Some guy just bought a handle of cuervo, a curling iron, and a power drill. Paid with a jar of change. I'm torn between avoiding him and befriending him..
Before I roll over explain to me why you're naked and on my floor.
I'm using the Malibu pitcher you stole from the bar to make pancakes this morning. It's actually working really well.
I find celibacy oppressive. Huge waste of my time and talents.
Dad is celebrating turning 45 by being drunk in a department store before two o'clock.
Randomize
