Doo rag and shades in the bar. You are missing your future husband.
so I was just driving high and I stopped to let a pinecone cross the road because I thought it was a hedgehog.
Just tried to put my sweatpants on backwards...the chances of passing my physics exam just went down about 100%.
How do I recover from singing "your body is a wonderland" on his voicemail?
It's not weird mascara. I just have puke crusted on my eyelashes.
Hey do you have anything at your house 30 ft. tall to throw eggs off of?
The bottle I was drinking out of splintered on the bottom, there was glass in my hand, I pulled it out with my teeth... Not the best night for Drunk Kevin
Survival tip #3: while you're hooking up with him, don't say he reminds you of his brother
I really want to lead this Amish guy into temptation
I can't even express how horny I am. The English language isn't equipped for what I'm plotting.
By this time next year I expect us to have full time jobs that we can call out of so we can day drink on beautiful days like this. Oh, and grill.
I asked him to get me another beer, and he started making muffins.
He fucked me for my Netflix login, I fucked him for his HBO login, and actually I think that's beautiful
you asked if you could borrow my vagina for the night
So how often do you needs to see my tits today then?
Randomize
