dude sorry but u no that when a guys 'likes' ur pic on facebook it only means he was just jacking off to it.
felt a little awkward waiting for my McNuggets after vomiting all over the counter
We've done the math and the dogs tails are wagging at a rate of 3000 wags per hour. Stoned.
College students should never be allowed to have snow days. Never.
Going to rent a magician for when I eat shrooms. How has no one thought of this?
Um. That's my cat Laura. You put my cat in your mouth, and then you put my cat in your purse.
I was grossed out that all their candles smelled like vagina and then I remembered where my fingers had been.
Well I think won that argument, as the cops were leaving, they offered me a ride to the airport
Why I hate online dating: not even one day in and a 57 year old asks me to call him "Daddy."
If I died tonight, I'd be content knowing you were the last person to see my boobs.
I definitely don't have enough experience with hookers to be in this group text anymore.
When are your genitals available?
If you need me I'll be getting drunk in a chewbacca onsie like a real adult.
you know you're doing something right when your drug dealer insists on hugging you before you leave.
Just a typical Friday. Dinner, drinks, doing lines with a member of Congress
Randomize
