So for two years my friend Mark has been building a catapult in his basement. Yesterday he realized it's too big to get it out.
You need to give me a reason immediately why he is your friend.
you ever get that eerie feeling when you walk in a room, when you know youve barfed here before.
sitting in an airport in detroit. just saw a commercial for detroit tourism with kid rock as a spokesman. reason # 1458 to never visit this city.
Her parties are sponsored by Valtrex. This might not be your best idea.
I think he may have overheard our "how much coke would you fuck me for" conversation last night...
I have effectively turned laundry day into a drinking game.
I just got caught impersonating a t-Rex by my boss. Sadly he wasn't fazed by my behavior and acted like it was normal.
He carried around a bottle of jäger the whole night and when everyone thought the cops came, he started doing push ups in the middle of the floor cause he said it calmed him down.
Rather than admit to myself I've spent $756 at the bar this month, I'm just going to pretend I gave it to a homeless person...kind of makes me feel better.
Yeah, we agreed, but I feel like I need at least one more ride on the bonecoaster
Do you remember telling our cab driver you were going to fuck a penguin?
You act like tequila is some sort of sex juice
I'm pretty sure my calc professer is on coke. He's just too excited for this to be an 8am class.
I miss the pre Covid days when we could meet men in bars. Hitting on guys in the grocery store is just depressing
When the paramedic asked Logan how he fell he explained that he was trying to lick his eyeball, missed and tripped over his own tongue.
Randomize
