you're bored at work aren't you?
I'm toying with the idea of beating off under my desk
I woke up with a black eye and dim memories of announcing that i had super powers. I shoved my pockets full of canned tuna and tried to jump off the balcony. And then my boyfriend called the cops.
so you're not coming in to work today?
Whatever is fine with me, as long as I am dressed in green and end up shitfaced.
I did the crab walk everywhere because I was drunk enough that it was easier than standing up.
She pulled vodka outta the dryer and told me to drink it
There was a group of girls next to us. One was smiling at me. I only remember walking up and saying "oh you're Russian". Not sure where it went from there
I can't ever date him again. Whenever I see his face I just remember helplessly pissing myself in my car.
Don't tell me 'the Fonzie' doesn't work. Went to see Shakespeare high and gave the sign to the dude playing Macbeth. Now at a cast party getting blown. All hail the Fonz.
I'm on the toilet with no toilet paper. When are you coming over? I'm contemplating on just staying here until you arrive.
I tried to twerk on a barn in 3 inch heels at a party last night and nose dived into mud. These were all new friends. I'm probably not allowed back. Cool.
Who knew a blowjob could cause this kind of crazy
He wasn't prepared for it
whatever. i just wanna get "forget my own name" wasted
no. you need to know your name so people know where to return you when you get lost.
I promised to leave my panties on but I didn't promise to not have sex
I am way to hungover for it to be Thursday.
I woke up while she was taking a panoramic photo of my morning wood
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