I woke up with my face in a pile of pancakes and 3000 mistakes.
i don't have fun when you have fun. i have embarrassment, fear, and significantly less cash in my wallet.
So i literally just wrote sorry on my quiz and turned it in.
We are the drunkest people in Toys R' Us right now
I feel like a fucked a broomstick last night. You get a gold star.
Its going to be drunk as shit/pirate themed. Im dressing as the former.
We have 24 days left before I leave for college and 21 condoms left in the stockpile. Are you up for the challenge?
We were having sex in the gardens when the grounds keeper walked up on us. He gave me a thumbs up and walked away
So I was putting on a condom and looked to my right to not make eye contact, she said did you just look at the American flag while putting that on. I said this one's for Team USA.
Do you remember whose house we're in?
Every time I try to do something productive I end up searching ghost porn.
Btw. I have a sinus infection from doing cocaine in a portapotty at a Duran Duran concert. So, gimme a couple of days before y'all start the party.
Haha. I found pics last week of me getting motorboated by a girl while i was taking a shot. Hahaha in my wedding dress. Classy
Hey, I was just wondering why i dont have a shirt on, why im cuddling with a furnace, why im in my own basement, and where my car is.
OHMYGOD YOU REALLY THINK I'D BE ON OPRAH?!
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