A little girl and i are having a face making battle in mcdonalds
She started it, but I totally finished it.
I literally just watched a girl motorboat herself
Which one of you FUCKERS filled the toilet with soil and planted my mothers daisys in it? NOT FUCKING HAPPY
Just saw a cop issuing a DUI. At 3 pm. It's definitely the start of winter break.
Ok. Also I almost just threw up. Seriously. I was think to myself "really? Here? Now? At my work desk?" and then it went away.
I've had cake for breakfast the past 3 days. You tell me how bikini season is going.
Best morning ever. I saw a bum giving another bum a blowjob downtown.
I swear the pregnant cashier was jealous when I bought my plan B
it was a frathouse cornucopia of foul mixed drinks and "sangria", which im convinced was blood and pcp
We fucked in his mom's shower and all I could think about was being too old to be sneak banging while someone's mom was out of town and how much mildew was on the shower curtain. Fuck you, Adulthood.
I feel like it went downhill once I decided we should take $100 tequila shots.. oops lol
she has that "i will punish you like your mom did" vibe, i think guys like that.
I'm having leftover pizza for breakfast. I'm clearly not the greatest at this adult thing.
I threw my back out having sex last night. I don’t know whether to high five myself for a job well done or cry because I’m old.
I don't know what else to tell you.. just listen to some taylor swift and you'll know what to do in the morning
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