As of this morning, vodka still has the other side of my BFF necklace. She treats me right.
Last night you told her she was rocking the beer gut. Still wondering why you have that black eye?
I don't know what's worse....that fact that my dog ate my vibrator or that he later puked it up on my bed
Whenever you feel bad about your life, just remember the time I tried to swim while high and thought for a minute I was genuinely drowning
Her roommate "grounded" her because she drunkenly tried to fill their fish tank with vodka
You don't put off sexcapades. Life lesson #1.
I can't have my last hookup before 21 have been behind a dumpster
We dated for a month and a half. he didn't like blow jobs. I honestly don't think he was human.
I tried to put my heels in the coat check
At this point in job hunting, I'm willing to become a leather daddy if it means some sort of income.
A to Z: fucking your way through the alphabet
It'll be a kids book
What, That's like a total 7 inches of cock and 6 are from Joe. Don't be mad at me because you had the lamest orgy ever.
My liver has officially said "fuck this shit" and escaped from my body.
I have to have boobs, you have the charm and wholesomeness that gets boyfriends... And i have boobs
Oh no. He's definitely text-flirting with me. No straight man over 30 has any other excuse to use so many smiley faces...
Randomize
