On Saturday, I sharted on my roommates dog while trying to make it smell my farts. Today I got security clearance to work for one of the most respected and secretive govt agencies in the US
It's the American dream
I have a very awkward question for you. Could you possibly take my black dildo. My mom wants to clean my room.
Talk about awkward... Just went to dinner with my mother and realized I fucked our waiter the night before. She HAD to see the looks he was giving me!
He is like that thing on the menu you would eat because nothing else looks remotely edible.
Found my puke from September encrusted to the floor under the dresser while cleaning before move out ..... Oh Freshman year
I am not sure which is more amazing; The fact that she offered me sex, beer AND nachos, or that she can properly use a semi-colon at her current blood alcohol level.
They actually said and I quote "it definitely looks like your knees went through some over usage"
We were having an argument with his friends mom about whether it was worse that he bootycalled me at 4 a.m. or that I bootycalled him at 12 in the afternoon
Well its official, I'm into significantly freakier sex than even I thought possible.
It's no longer hooking up, we have definitely graduated to Sport Fucking....
Can you bring home an IV stand and an empty bag so I can direct inject coffee for work tomorrow morning?
God dammit. My lube leaked all over my passport
My moral compass cannot be waived by two measly bloody Mary's
UPS just delivered me 30lbs of dried cherries... I shouldn't be allowed online when I take painkillers.
I flushed a potato down the toilet so now we have to live in a hotel.
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