My mom is such a hoarder. I found a deer candelabrum last night, it had antlers has candle holders. It was like a redneck menorah.
I heard that if you win you get to have sex with me. You guys really need to stop wagering my vagina.
I know I'm all grown up when I don't have to take my pregnancy test in the store bathroom anymore.
I mean this holiday was built on cheap beer, shitty whisky, and processed meat... and I fully plan to honor that
she said "the two best ways to sober up are to nurse someone or give a blowjob" and im gonna go along with it.
I found the perfect eye liner, it passed the blow job test, no smudging!!
Well, it's hard to say. Last night he puked a perfect circle around him on the floor, and then sat in it insisting it would protect him from the smoke monster. He's was still there last time I checked.
That's good. Don't want to see you bellydancing in prison for homemade wine.
I feel very compelled to cut off the person's ears that is sitting in front of me
ON A SIMILAR NOTE MY DICK SIZE PSYCHIC SKILLS ARE SO GOOD
I found dried jizz from last night on my leg while feeding an infant a bottle. I am not fit to care for children
These flip flops mean I'm casual, but I'm here to fuck.
I did it again.
I drunk texted John McCain.
It was all going good until I realized she was wearing underwear with a butt flap. Mission aborted.
My son's girlfriend just thanked me for having good penis genes.
Randomize
