I just told her she was a heartbeat above a blowup doll.
High as balls & about to be tanning. Helloooo 15 minute vacay.
I returned the dress. When they asked for the reason for return I said, 'I don't deserve to wear white'.
I actually want to hang out with her with our clothes on. That's a big step up for me.
I just finished deleting miscellaneous contacts from my phone ... time for a HIV test!
His daughter is our waitress. I left her a ten dollar 'I'm sorry I'm a whore and fucked your dad' tip...
I imagine I kinda look like a banana with one boob out.
I kinda feel like I was hit by a Prius. Just glad it's not bus status.
I'm sorry I didn't respond. I had a shit day. However, I just masturbated to Adele's Rolling In the Deep while crying. It was oddly therapeutic.
Did I leave the house with out a shirt or socks?
Yea, you said you didn't need them cause she was going to take them off anyways and that it would "save time".
I didn't have cash to pay cover at the bar, so I traded the bouncer a Krispy Kreme doughnut i had in my purse
Watching the awkward tinder date at the table next to mine is the most action I've had in months, so there's that.
Are you playing pokemon in the dark and sexting? I can't be mad at that.
Eh, I don't question what my penis likes. It just does what it does.
You were staring right at you dick at the urinals, then looked at all the other guys dicks and fist pumped saying "I win!"
Randomize
