you shoved the noah's ark of animal crakers in your mouth saturday.
idea:have a jello shot stand(opposed to lemonade stand) to raise money for spring break
for me the strap perfect is like a chastity belt
I'm going to come in a little later this morning....there's no heterosexual way to say this....$1 flip flop sale at old navy
so far we have 6 big wheels and 10 boxes of wine for the tour de franzia. team drunkslut is favored to win the yellow jersey.
I think I wrote "thanks for the free alcohol!!!" in their wedding guest book and I'm almost positive I signed my name
We're gonna have screwdrivers in a cab at 4am?
Is that weird?
I want to throw all of their shoes in the pool so I feel like there is some justice in the world
I am honestly trying to remember his name. All I can remember is that he had a weird mole, a daughter and a lot of cocaine. Please stop letting me pick up at gay night.
Using mass transit when I'm hungover makes me feel like I missed my calling as a serial killer
You yelled "NICE PAJAMAS" at a construction worker wearing a reflective jumpsuit while we rode past on a bike taxi
it was also funny because at one point I woke up with my hands tied with a belt and we were both like what the fuck
Well the other day she asked me how often I jerk off. So I guess things are getting semi-serious
What are you bringing to class tomorrow?
sorrow
Are you drunk? You left me a voicemail at 5:59 AM of you making dolphin sounds.
Randomize
