wat bout pragnant strippers??
we played lady & the tramp with a hash brown from McDonald's....im in love.
I'm officially my mother.. Smoking in the garage pretending to take the dog out in a big ugly jacket
I'm not saying going to the volleyball games drunk on Tuesday night was a bad idea I'm just saying we shouldn't make a routine of it.
She just kept saying "bless your heart" to him while he cried because he came so fast. I think a Texas woman was just what he needed
I'm not saying I'm drunk, but I'm definitely saying my liver has its work cut out for it.
So, we estimated there is at least 40 pounds of boob in our house.
I wonder if the fact that I'm listening to the theme from lion king gives my neighbors the impression that im tripping faceeeee
He keeps telling me he's gonna get me dope for my birthday. 1. HELP ME. 2. HOW IS THAT AN ACCEPTABLE BIRTHDAY PRESENT. Also, please HELP ME.
The plane down was full of newly weds and I counted 5 pairs of mile high club members. Actually, one might have been a group membership discount.
Fun times on public transportation. I just had a guy imply that I was racist cause I didn't want to talk to him when I was clearly reading my book and he was clearly on coke.
girl pulled up to the stop sign, got out, threw up all over my hood said happy thanksgiving then drove off
I wouldn't hesitate to give up my job to have regular bowel movements again
rest in peace liver.
It was nice having you occupy space in my body that could be holding beer n chicken.
that's going in my livers obituary.
I cannot belive our party caught on fire
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