RAWRRRR IMA PURPLE DINO
dude i'm sitting right next to you.. stop texting me
Never drink rum straight from the bottle, even if people say it'll make you a pirate. It won't: it'll make you a bumbling shitfaced idiot who just drank rum straight from the bottle.
its friday night, im aone in my apartment and eating 2 year expired canned fruit, naked. i'm not single or anything..
Everything sucks i just wanna cry and smoke a bowl and pet my cat and die. All at the same time
also found a pic of my head in the microwave from the other night.. hmm
you left saying you wanted to "go piss on that girl's doorstep" and we didn't see you the rest of the night
that actually explains a lot
After seeing all of the pics during the trial, all I could think was "her vagina doesn't look THAT dangerous"
It's either gonna be a cock in my mouth or a burger. You decide which.
I feel like these arent even my fingers anymore
I tolerate his mediocre drunk sex for the mind blowing morning sex. More than worth it.
I don't know how to reply to him. 'I'm glad the ecstasy my friend tricked you into taking wore off'...? It just doesn't seem sincere
If I send Ben a tit pic but I do it while wearing a Tom Brady mask is that funny or creepy
returning from a 6am booty call in 2 feet of snow on a Tuesday is a bold new kind of low for me
He let me eat chexmix while we fucked... I think I love him.
Memeber that time you got detained in Poland. We don’t talk about that enough
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