Why I am the classiest girl you know: just mixed drinks for everyone on the baby changing station at the movie theater.
you came home covered in oatmeal wearing a tutu holding a stolen wrotting pumpkin and "its a girl" balloons tied around your neck.you were whispering the lyrics to aaron carters 'aarons party'. i think the real question was what DIDNT you drink last night
i just made mint juleps with bourbon and fresh breath strips. i am the macgyver of alcohol.
the pic of her and her boyfriend fell off the wall as we were fucking.
Can I sell my birth control in a yard sale?
How do you feel about fucking me quick and then me leaving to go do arts and crafts?
We had to go to his parents last night for dinner & ended up having a quickie in the bathroom while everyone else was outside smoking.. This is why we have a successful marriage.
You kept mumbling that you could become one with the carpet as you proceeded to give yourself the worst carpet burn I have ever seen
The look on the dr's face when she asked me the last time i had sex and i responded "like an hour and a half ago" ... priceless
Please tell me last night did not happen and there is another reason why my phone smells like ranch sauce ahahah
Know what the best part of waking up for work after a drinking vacation is? It's an easy question. Nothing. Nothing is the best part of that.
its gotten to the point where if her hand isn't on my butt i think we're in a fight
My roommate just google searched "cumming blood" using my laptop. Her boyfriend is in her room, she looks scared. Words cannot explain how hilarious this is.
They were out of watermelon smirnoff, so we got you a fifth of 5 o'clock and an actual watermelon.
I didn’t want to see that boob. I told her not to show me but she said “no, I’m going to show you”
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