his mom walked in while I was blowing him. he turned around in panic and accidentally punched me in the face. i have a black eye and only half the clothes i came here in. can you give me a ride?
drunk making out is the fucking beeeest. specially when it's your exboyfriend
I wonder if you'll be as excited about this as you are now tomorrow morning.
He was making tequila spiked Arnold Palmers and murmuring things in Spanish.
I love foreign exchange students.
So you used a whole package of smoked meat last night. Didn't eat it, just took it out and put it all over the fridge.
i woke up and the dog was eating spaghetti off my chest.
They both invited me to family dinner Sunday. Secretly dating two sisters just got real.
After seeing how much you are able to funnel in a night, I am 90% sure your blood is pure gin.
I think animal control just caught me smoking a bowl on the back porch. Do they have any say in this matter?? Haha
How do you leave a condom wrapper under my mom's pillow...
This may not be the best moment to laugh, but I am.
Oh, that was the alley that I ate a pine cone in.
i almost threw up on his dick. its like icarus, flew too close to the sun. except the sun is his dick and my throat was icarus
Herpes is not a lady problem you can solve with shower beers and kissing boys
I think pants incapable of making pants work
Just seriously saw this chick say, watch this motherfuckers then did a 42 sec keg stand.
You at least asked for her number right?
It's difficult when the romantic and the hedonist in me are fighting. I want him to respect me and hopefully pursue an actual relationship, but then I remember he fucks like a GOD and loves my kink. Oh, life's hard.
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