I just had to have my mom look at my penis to figure out what it was. How do you think my day is going?
my mom just found my bong and asked what it was. I told her it was a hookah
and she bought it?!?
yeah...but her friends at work told her hookah was fun and now she wants to smoke it with me...im thinkin yes
Just saw a guy from Kansas and a guy from Nebraska arguing over who had less of an accent. God Bless the Midwest.
My workout was carrying 2 cases home from the grocery. It's Bowl Week.
At the miami airport. Don't know if it's all the tequila I drank in cozumel or the 5 year olds french accent but I might puke.
and he said i stripped him down, hand cuffed him to his bed post, and tickled his arm pits, and then continued to watch The Hangover.
I told myself this year would be different, I wouldn't get "pee in a fish tank drunk".. Got to the girls house... Fish tank in her room.. 2 years in a row.. had to keep the tradition going
You expect me to find someone in two days who I feel comfortable enough with to ask them to get drunk and go play in foam with me?
took adderall before wrapping presents, ended up making paper snowflakes for two hours
He's the second guy this morning whose job is jeopardized because of my vagina.
If you say no to drinking on a Monday then I'm going to take you to the hospital for a MRI
all I'm saying is that my epic blow jobs have made grown professional football players cry in ecstasy
You were spooning an empty magnum of white wine in the middle of the bed so I slept on the couch
Well at least there's no more confusion about your place in my life. Wine > pizza > your dick > the rest of you.
Love you...
I should become a firefighter. Who uses his cock to fight fires. Like a Superhero.
If not, I can murder my liver twice...it's like a cat, it has 9 lives
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