At the hospital, the nurse kept telling me that i either had appendicitis, a tubular pregnancy, or an ovarian cyst. I kept asking if i could just have chlamydia instead...
She slept with 4 other guys since we went on a break. And her ex. But apparently she hasn't given any bjs out of respect for me. Why does that comfort me?!
I woke up and there is a food processor in my purse. Someone else's framed family photo. My front door is wide open and my gerbil is playing in the water bong.
Yeah I'm going to bathe him.
His bootycalls folder in his contacts are divided into regions, we should have all become airline pilots.
The last mom I slept with was the worst lay ever. Imagine fucking a hairy wet pillow for 60 minutes. Good luck with your milf. I was joking about the Susan Boyle comment btw.
And I feel bad.
Because we're having a serious discussion about our sex life and you're playing minecraft?
You were on shrooms and "the trees are crazy green!" is all you could manage.
Where can I buy a stripper pole at midnight on a Sunday?
when the repo soundtrack came on in the middle of us having sex i realized it was about time that i clear out my itunes library
Let's get a hotel room this time. I really don't want to sleep in a Dennys parking lot again.
The Royals are in the World Series. I've never drank so much in one week in my life.
Happy Halloween!! Last Halloween we spent together you got brought home in a shopping cart
I'm slowly starting to accept that you have to be a sociopath to be attracted to me
I’m sorry I pressured you for dick pics.
Coffee and girl scout cookies. Breakfast of champions.
Get fucked.
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