the bar tender told me i could keep an air matress in the backroom.
THERE ARE ENTIRELY TOO MANY HOT UNDERAGE GIRLS HERE FOR THIS TO REMAIN LEGAL.
Straight up if I get stuck with her I'm going to drink myself into a prison cell.
we should drop off a car at the police station before going out tonight so we can drive home in the morning
I'm so in the Halloween spirit, I zombified my all of my nudes on my phone. Tell me this isn't creative.
A total of 95 cents was stuck to my ass the next morning.
You're like my zumba instructor for alcoholism right now
Im blowing my nose and the only thing coming out is beer
So stoned i forgot i was in bed
So this is what you do on your hungover days off put your balls into an egg carton?
So maybe I got drunk and hooked up with him in a hot tub? I mean that's nothing to be ashamed of, that kind of takes talent. I'd drown.
Ur here to start shit and I'm here to light that shit on fire
You walked around in your costume going up to every guy saying "I'm a squirrel, give me your nuts"
He paid for a 5 star hotel suite and I raided the mini bar after he left. I think that’s bad karma. Want some pringles?
in your professional opinion, what's the most elegant way of saying "sorry I spent all night flirting with you, I thought you were gay" ?
Randomize
