the best part about tonight...knowing when i wake up in the morning his car will still be full of packing peanuts..and mine wont
I woke up this morning and the first thing i saw was the harry potter tattoo on his left butt cheek.
I couldn't even finish, she was lounder and more annoying than DJ Khaled
These old people don't even realize they're giving me weed money for shoveling snow.
We could make it a date. Dinner and a show. The show being my nipples getting pierced.
Shotgunned a beer while taking a bath.
We didn't even make it to the door before they came out saying we weren't allowed in because of last time..
if you do the accent, i'll wear the eyepatch
Life isn't about who you kiss, drunk, at midnight. It's who you text nonsense to, sober, from the toilet.
You need to stop me from lighting my hand on fire next time we're working
I can't even properly respond cuz I'm ballsdeep in falafel
well one of us has to be wrong and it's not going to be me
Is Oprah even human
Bringing my mom Taco Bell and weed. I'm such a good daughter
I'd just like to take a moment now to apologize sincerely for getting drunk and making an as of myself at your Christmas party next week. I'm especially sorry for sleeping with your baby sister.
Randomize
