If only Ben were 51% gay instead of 49%
Vanillla milkshakes are the new Gold Bond. Will explain later.
Thats the last time I go out drinking with my Irish friends. Two shots of flaming sambucca = bar on fire. I was only trying to high five the barman.
Best text conversation ever. Other than the one we had about using blood for lube.
He would only do it doggy style. The "he's probably gay" debate rages on...
I can honestly say I've never had orange soda poured on my vagina before, that's a story for the grand kids
Just thought you should know the man you CHOSE to father your children has once again fallen asleep on the toilet. thanks mom
The only monogamous relationship I can keep is with my eyebrow lady...
Two things. 1) party at my house this Friday 2) what was the name of the Australian you fucked on the cruise ship?
if you want to know how my night is going I just ugly cried in the cheesecake factory
He's a drill sergeant! The sadomasochist in me can't resist that.
You fist bumped my dick last night saying good game. That you'll be back for the 2nd game...
Pretty sure I scared her away last night by putting a vodka tampon in my ass
Had sex on your trumpet just an fyi.
I've realized that my life is a cycle of high that is only broken by sobering up at work, which only happens because I can't smoke more
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