every time i send "do you want some cock" to her T9 manages to change it to "anal"...i think she's mad now
he kept farting in my kitchen and blaming it on the dog. then we went to wendy's and he spent twenty minutes in the bathroom. im pretty sure he shit his pants.
you should have known when you found out he drove a mini cooper not to hang out with him.
i just walked into thanksgiving and three people in a row asked me who i was. really?
Dude, just paid my sister in vicodin to go out and buy me a slushie.
the awesomeness of being snowed in wore off after we ran out of beer and we realized we really didnt want to be stuck with everyone.
watched two friends get underages. one had a shirt on that said lets get wasted while the other said to the cop "i understand your just trying to do your job but that was dirty bro".
According to you, you were with your "Eskimo bro for life" last night.
You were crying in a drunken stupor for an hour because "the new daft punk album didn't blow your tits off"
oh my god. picked the worst day ever to not wear underwear...
I'm just gonna stop you right there because there is, in fact, no such thing.
I'll tell you that it involved a pair of pliers and a trip to the ER.
I demand a full explanation right now.
I'm watching Trainwreck with Jeff and realizing that I'm the John Cena in my relationship.
You were supposed to catch herpes, not feelings!!!
So when did "Are you okay?" translate into "Don't tell me you got fucked by another rando after another rager"?
His sex game is strong it’s like a warlord’s dick! you know what I mean?
Nope
He’s exactly what I’m looking for: he’s got a broken heart, a working penis and a new boat!!!
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