I took my penis out way before I got to the bathroom and some dude kicked me out.
Im partying with a unicorn. You don't even know.
You told her the u were going to wrap your dick around her neck and start her like a lawn mower. thats why she left.
I had a pretty decent weekend -- aside from dropping the baby on her head. That.. That I feel bad about.
And it looks like I sent you 4 failed attempts at the word "hey." Sorry about that.
You thought last year was bad... a guy dressed as a clown showed up with cocaine
My Instagram consists mostly of drag queens and people who dress up as power rangers... I'm pretty sure I'm an unclassified category of gay
Was he good-huge or like "what the fuck do i do with this"-huge
I don't think I will ever be as happy about anything as this man next to me on the bus eating Taco Bell.
You don't know how emotionally damaged I am from crashing into that park maintenance van. I'll never ride a bike because of it.
He fell backwards into a full bathtub but didn't spill a single drop of the beer in his hand. What a pro.
My roommates said duck dynasty was stupid ... toto i don't believe we're in kansas anymore.
I'm at that point in my life where stripping isn't the worst thing I would do for money
My vagina measures dicks. It's accurate to the half inch.
AND ONCE AGAIN THE HENNESSEY MAKES ME A SUPER SAIYAN
Oh for fuck's sake, is that why the couch is in the pool???
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