I wish I could punch you in the face.
There's a woman at Starbucks that keeps pushing her stroller into me.
Punch her baby.
and yes, the jail cell in Citi Field does have a big Mets symbol in it
I want a vodka facial right about now. I'm talking about straight vodka bukkake
Just threw up in my seat during the national anthem. Probably not good.
how did the keg end up in the top bunk?
I'm spoon feeding myself tequila for breakfast, should we skip class today?
I am still STD free so as far as I am concerned I never went to panama.
I literally just got propositioned by a sugar daddy.
OUR DREAMS ARE BEING REALIZED. THIS IS NOT A DRILL.
Just saw a woman in bootie shorts and a winter coat at the library. God. Bless. Prostitutes.
I'm going to sing sad and lonely Barbra Streisand songs at the top of my lungs if you don't get here soon
I just dumped the bloody coke bill into the tip jar while getting my hangover coffee. I'm literally going to hell.
I'm doing the walk of shame into my therapists office wearing his clothes...I guess go big or go home
If he’s halfway attractive, employed and cool with me having boytoys, I’ll marry him
Turns out naked yoga wasn't a pickup line. I feel betrayed.
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