I just want to hang out with her.
You're a liar. Why do I have to give you reasons you can't have sex with my mom? I hate you.
stop calling my apartment porn island.
It honestly wasnt my fault this time. i was in shock. WHO THE FUCK OWNS A PEACOCK?!
Just so you know there's a random man downstairs knocking on a door with a dozen roses and a 30 pack of beer. Unattractive or not, I'm inviting him in.
Bc when the owner of your local gay bar and a drag king ask you to take them to a rival gay bar 2hrs away at 4 in the morning YOU GO.
With your fertility you would just get contact pregnant
Just warning you the last time I had captain Morgan I gave a blow job to a guy that looked like Jesus.
Just got a blowie during the Avengers. It's weird knowing that the high point of your life just happened.
there is nothing more depressing than your birth control alarm going off while you're masturbating, and realizing you've been taking pointless precautions for over a month now.
This breakup hit defcon 5. Walked to pathmark with a denim jacket over my nightgown to get ben and jerrys. On sale btw.
He accidentally opened the car door during sex and all the lights came on. Needless to say, that kid passing by who was walking his dog got scarred for life.
You know it's time to call it a night when every guy in the bar (all 3 of them) have seen you naked at one time or another.
bitch, i have a flask. i've got things under control.
god. marry me.
Your english degree would kill itself if it could read that text.
maybe a couloe typos.. noooooooooo big deal
I'm seriously considering selling my books back early. I don't use them anyways and I could really use the beer money..
Randomize