Nothing commands respect in a meeting like Jack Daniels on the breath. You're fine.
i love when people i haven't talked to since we fucked write on my wall.
Also, just saw a homeless man answer a phone call on a blackberry...
It has to be really easy to get midgets drunk.
Oh God! I'm naked from the waist down playing records. Too drunk. I don't even know what to do.
Balls out but with a shirt on. Eating ravioli. I don't know how to deal with this.
Dude. All those hangovers I never had came back with a vengeance. I just opened the door of this car to barf. The car was not motionless. We are on the autobahn.
I also got a mission for you and you're gonna love it. Biggest. Hospital. Party. Ever.
He left for work so I drank pickle juice from his fridge
I SWEAR TO GOD IF SHE FUCKS WITH OUR GOLD GENE POOL
She asked me to dress as captain planet for halloween and told me she was gonna suck the pollution out of my dick.
Just try not to have a boner when you're giving your best man speech, it will really kill the vibe
Ran up to the dollar store to get batteries for my vibrator. Happy Valentines Day!
Just to clear things up, yes you did lick the strippers butt
I promised her before I left that I'd make good choices and then got drunk and fucked my best friend and her boyfriend.
Spencer just told me I got home and was opening beers with my teeth and trying to make pot butter
Randomize
