I can only masturbate in one position. It's very inconvenient.
a hangover this bad deserves a feeding tube
I wish i could call my weed and hear it ring. That's how i found my phone.
I know he gets bloody noses a lot...so that explains all the blood...but I'd say the condoms are definitely from a penis.
You came back with four clearly unattractive women and wanted to throw a dance party in my room.
It was only 12:11 and I needed to make a Pepto Latte and call it a night, I don't remember that being part of my new years resolution.
A small child is toddling around the store, holding a coloring book and a shot glass. Thinking of you.
Just found my bra in a bag of chips on the kayak floating about the pond. Sure sign of a good night
You were so excited to be getting 4 tickets to the Whale Rodeo.... That high
Didn't get the job. Searched for my references on FB and saw the pic of me weighing my head passed out.
Apparently, the right response to, "How do you feel about a terrorist being in the area?" isn't, "Well, we have vodka in the freezer, so we're good for now."
Mom just walked in with a bag of weed and funyuns. I'll talk to you later.
How do you nicely stand up a date that you're skipping for a 3sum
you're the only girl i know who can be too sick to walk to the kitchen and still have enough game to receive multiple orgasms
First she snuck beer into the movies and then proceded to give me a handjob in the dark theatre. I think I'm in love
Randomize
