hey can i ask you a kinda weird question?
i know what the question is. yes they are bigger, and no i did not get plastic surgery
Hold on im havin a staring contest with my cat
I wonder sometimes what your vagina thinks about you.
You were absolutely insistent that the entire bar knew that it was peanut butter jelly time
he stopped midthrust to put on his sex playlist and the first song was 'can you feel the love tonight'
where do you find these guys?
Found the puke drawer
My ex wife just asked to go over our divorce papers and for sex in the same text
I played ping pong,drunk, with my hand instead of the paddle. And i won. I have hidden talents
I'm going to text my booty call and tell him nevermind, that I got the job finished by myself. That will teach him to text back faster.
This lesson is brought you by a psychology class.
Just used my flashlight app to find a gummy lifesaver I dropped on the floor
I like how you're utilizing your resources
As he was cumming he yelled "Yahtzee" then said im free to go. Thats my one night stand
Who told you that acid and Jurassic World was a good idea?
dont remember, but I'm pretty sure I was convinced that the hybrid dinosaur was satan the whole time. It was actually very spiritual
Do u ever find yourself high af, watching American ninja warrior and crying at the athletes stories?
Holy shit, did you actually CHOOSE to get hit by the alcohol truck last night?
I have only made 3 good decisions in my life and getting really stoned reenacting the Lion King with my cat in a lion mane hat is 2 of them.
Randomize
