Last night I broke through a door, was hospitialized, arrested, and threw my shoe at a bouncer. This summer is gonna be fuckin sick.
she gave me a schnouzer then wanted to kiss while we were having sex...i had to puppy slap her nose. pick me up out front.
You and your empty threats of no sex. Like.u.cud.hold.out.
Before I left in the morning I deleted her purity ring app off her iPod, I figured it would save her the shame
Did we both pass out talking about cake last night?
And on top of all this... he just told me to "chill my nips."
WTF YOU SHOULDNT BREAK A SWEAT TAKING A SHIT. MY BODY HATES ME.
but we were going camping. it only made sense to bring the 6 ft bong
You get home okay?
I'm pantless and in bed
That doesn't mean you're at home.
Def over. He sent me a nude selfie but cropped it right above his junk. Total Silence of the Fucking lambs looking.
You know we have no secrets, right? I mean, you saw me shitting in a gift bag drunk and naked on Christmas eve.
I think I should just be a madame. Fuck it.
I'm just gonna post fliers on telephone poles like, "who wantsta be a hooooooe?!"
I think I've forgotten how to blink. Help plz?
None of these texts make sense. except for "step 2.5 equals velociraptor." that i get.
It is getting ridiculous, the elaborateness of the schemes I have to concoct so my suitemates don't know I'm pooping.
Randomize
