dude i need help, im throwing up blood.
no youre not, you just drank a pitcher of red koolaid trying to sober up.
oh, so thats why my junks red.
wow. cant help you there...
I woke up this morning naked, with a to-go box from Qdoba, an entire meal completely untouched. I have been piecing together my night to find some answers. I feel like Nancy Drew.
i wish i could google "things to eat in my fridge" so i wouldnt have to go downstairs and be disappointed
First coke bust down the road. Spring is finally here.
They got their marriage license when they were at the courthouse for her arraignment.
i promise the blood crusted on your tits is from him motorboating you after he tripped into the pool stick. nothing else.
He just subscribed to one of my Spotify playlists. The next step is sex.
I'm just gonna use that pot butter as dip for chips. That's fat, American AND stoner!
Remind me never to smoke before babysitting again. Ate an entire bottle of children's gummy vitamins.... not an easy thing to explain to parents.
I was told to keep my leg elevated. I assume it means to keep my legs on the air, it's like I was prescribed to be slutty
Remember that time a drunk Dracula took a shit in the urinal? Ooh, that's right, it was last night.
I'm good. We walked you back to my apartment and you demanded to eat the sandwich I made for him
I dunno, there's just something so\ncomforting about having his penis in my mouth.
I had a sex with someone last night and I was so drunk. i told him to tell me his whole name so I can say it back to him in a "sexy" way.... Because I forgot it
Did you pee in the oven last night??
Randomize
