I was sitting behind this girl in class and she logged out of her facebook, hacked into her boyfriends, and then proceeded to check his inbox. This is why I'm single.
I got head to The Nanny. Officially gay.
i mean, i stole her boyfriend and beat her snake score on facebook within 48 hours. not her week.
Meeting relatives from another state drenched in tequila and smelling of weed. I'm gonna kill you for soaking the only bra I brought in Jose Cuervo Gold.
Yo I found your batman costume.... It was in my pool with a shitload of beer cans
I've been laying here all day wondering why my back hurt so bad and then I remembered last night.... When you pushed me through that glass table.
I'm so hungover it hurts to blink.. oh sweet merciful Christ what have I done
& I just realized there is no vomit smiley. There needs to be a vomit smiley
i liked you for your lack of ambition and abundance of weed
Some guy walking down the sidewalk just looked at me and said "hey it's the world champ". How drunk was I on Friday...?
He somehow obtained a megaphone and managed to scare away the out-of-control house party—the house party that HE started, by the way— by pretending to be the police.
I drove them away with my sparkling personality and LOTR references.
Just paid for birth control in all ones do you think she is judging me?
Someone just said “I need to use up this money before I’m tits up under the dirt” so I think I’m going to start using that in my daily vocabulary.
i haven't seen you in two years and we have like 16 hours, all i want is cuddles, wine, and some light groping
Randomize
