Pooping in your heated bathroom to the sound of rain and instrumental guitar might be the greatest experience ever.
so i am drinking whiskey and watching home alone 2 by myself. it turns out moving to a foreign country isn't all that different after all.
the line runs infront of fredricks of hollywood. it's like gamestop is showing me how pathetic I am.
Black Friday shoppers are ridiculous. I think I just watched a marriage end.
You texted me 'I am the leopard prince', with a series of pictures of you posing in what seemed like cat poses. you were not "a little bit" drunk dude..
Why would you fall asleep? This is why i cant drink with my lesbian friends anymore. They take my clothes off and get vodka in my top ramen. Only yoouuu can prevent forest fires.
Just made a Xanax and ginger ale smoothie. Oh Thursday you are good to me..
My last two google searches are "shiny things" and "Ohio consent laws." you should visit more often.
I am still STD free so as far as I am concerned I never went to panama.
I am pretty sure they consider me one of the "bros". They compliment girl's racks to me and are the human forms of dick-be-gone. They won't sleep with me more than once cause it's "weird", or let any "untrustworthy boys" sleep with me and I still help them get laid. Not...fair...
He had to put the child locks on the windows so you would stop screaming at random boys
I haven't taken a solid shit in four weeks. Do you know what started four weeks ago? Alcohol and dining hall food. Fucking college.
Christ I forgot how flexible you need to be for a decent sext pic. Jesus.
My mom added me on Snapchat which means I am officially done with Snapchat.
Why are your pants in the freezer?
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