My eyes are so dilated i literally have night vision right now.
The reason halloween exists is because it's not cheating if you're wearing a costume.
Stuck behind a lady in her 70's purchasing a plastic handle of vodka and nothing else. She is writing a check. Hello future.
I think I just need to sleep with both of them to see which I want to date.
You just went from promiscuous to slut in 3.2 seconds.
I don't hate you. My dick is upset with you, but I don't hate you.
I think he liked me better when I only opened my mouth to suck his dick.
He spent the entire date challenging me to chugging contests.
just had to make the 420 edibles gluten free and kosher for passover.
Just made nicotine water. Ithink i'm having a heart attack.
I don't think we had sex because when I woke up he was still wearing the chicken suit.
I'll even be awesome and bring pizza for your family, just as a "hey thanks for letting a stranger get trashed at your house" gesture.
I have to answer enough questions about you, I don't need your uterus tossed in the conversation.
What part of don't open in front of your kids didn't you understand? Astroglide, magnums, fuzzy handcuffs and a blindfold are going to be hard to explain as friends presents.
Sexting and pancakes... It's going to be hard to top that
I guess "hi, I know your mom, she taught me in high school" is an effective pickup line
Randomize
