if you call bong hits and onion rings a party, then yeah
The Firefighter Games are going to be in Tampa the same weekend I am. I think God is answering my vagina's prayers.
you handed me your bra at the bar and said 'hold my purse'
I mean he's a cool ass guy, but he's genuinely in love with a fat chick. I just can't take him seriously as a person.
Hmm. I hear gunshots, car horns blaring, hear drunk white people screaming, and see about fifty status updates pertaining to the hawks. I guess they won.
We did lines off of a Whitney Houston CD case. That makes everything okay.
found scuba porn. totally not sexy. life continues to disappoint.
We didn't have a blender so we made the margaritas by running over a garbagebag full of ice with the car and then stirring it with a knife in a French-press coffee pot. CAN YOU SAY RESOURCEFUL?
That's the second time in a week someone has called me to talk drunk you into getting up off the floor. This needs to stop.
The bachelorette party was all fun and games until the strippers came. AKA you guys.
I apologize for chief "dances with dolphins" sucking on your friends foot
I was looking at your puke while I was peeing in it the next morning and that ceasar salad did not treat you well
You know you're an adult when you break 100 to get 75 cents, to buy a condom from a bar vending machine in South Boston.
All I want is to send a text that says "i slept with someone while wearing nothing but purple argyle socks this weekend." But the only person i would send that to is you. But you already know. Because they were your socks.
woke up to a family dragging me under their beach umbrella, they poured water on me bc they "thought I was dead" then fed me quesadillas and nursed me back to health... gotta love Cabo
It's Saturday night and I'm getting shitfaced alone while reading Dino porn. Wassssuuuupppp
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